Good or bad poem? What should i fix?

I'm just a young girl who loves the incredible art of poetry, rap, and any kind of art that exists.

I need your opinion and not only your opinion but also your advice.

I believe that there is always room for improvement.

I know poems should not always rhyme but i just decided to in this poem.











What is So United About These States?



By: Adilene Morales





Land of the thieves, home of the slaves

What is so united about these states?

Who has the key to open our cage?

Thousands of reasons for one to be outraged

Seems like we no longer need chains to be slaves

Are there still reasons to maintain our faith?



Dependence on a man as imperfect as us, but do we realize?

Promised to help us when he could barely help himself,

Are blind folds covering our eyes?

Is it ignorance or is it our own will?

Are we aware of this or do we simply not care?



Fake authenticity and real surrealism

Hypocritical organizations full of real lies and egoism

A piece of green paper as our modern god

Bloodshed, genocide, rape and fraud

Praise the lord or praise a decorated flag?

Is government real or is it just a game of tag?

God鈥檚 word is now another library鈥檚 book

No time for family but materialism got you hooked

Devil鈥檚 name is heard but God鈥檚 real name is unknown

Is gold for the poor or for the governor鈥檚 throne?



Getting paid to kill

But real work is considered unskilled

Only approved questions get answered

The rest are canceled

Is it a wake up call what we need?

Or extinction to lead?

Skies throw acid raindrops and polluted cells

Why do we search for life in other planets?

If were gonna end up destroying it as well?



Children can't escape from the pain

Full of hatred in their veins

Senseless hearts, sinning saints

Beauty of human race, or creation that was vain?

This world is full of partiality

But its greed is more insane.





(haha oh and by "a game of tag" I was trying to say how when a man "runs" for president, another man is "tagged" to run for president after...and so on.)Good or bad poem? What should i fix?
Actually Matt's only partly right; you'll get good critique out here because you are good enough to attract those of us who can. Unfortunately, ever'body attracts those who can't, too, and even those who can too well! So take whatever you get with a grain of salt and trust that you're actually pretty good, and that Matt's advice was right on to begin with. My problem with this is it is youthfully ideal, which at least partly translates as one-sided. I never believe it's fair to so accentuate either side to the complete exclusion of the alternative...too extreme an outlook! Coupled with a very old and hopeful soul, and you should be able to get that, though I agree that this exists some places some of the time, I, too, believe there exists enough of a social offset to circumvent it to enough of a degree as to render it copable!

Your vocabulary IS advanced, as are your wordsmithin' skills; nice verbal brush, vivid imagery...
WRITE ON...^10.Good or bad poem? What should i fix?
Truthfully, i doubt you'll get an honest critique on here. I hesitate to say anything because I'm not a poet. Barely a struggling musician.



I believe you grasp the language better than most people your age (I'm assuming you're a teenager). The one thing I would advise is that sometimes understatement can be stronger than making a declarative statement. There's no reason to ponder your words because we already know exactly how you feel. Making people think about how they feel about an issue can be a more effective strategy. But, that being said, there have been very blunt writers who have made big impressions. I'm reminded by your words of Zach De la Rocha of Rage Against the Machine. But even he veiled his words in metaphors most of the time.Good or bad poem? What should i fix?
Youthful idealism is good for the old soul. It's well written in that I want to answer at least some of the questions in your work. But that is not the intent, correct? You have done well in cataloging the ills of this conglomeration of states and the rest of the world as well! As for "tagged" you are closer to the truth than you may think!



You and your poetry will be gladly welcomed into the poetry section. Matt and Ray have given you good advice. There are times, however that you will need a thick skin. Don't let it deter your desire to write, for you do it well.