“How long must I wait here? I shouldn’t have lost that game of Razoi to Nayak, otherwise I would’ve been in my home eating a hearty meal”, said the man to himself. He was a young man, probably in his late 20’s. His jet black hair fell over his face hiding most of its details. He had an oval face, with a broad jaw, and his beard was in an overgrown state and unevenly shaved, as if done with a knife. He checked in his pocket to make sure the blade was in there. The blade was given to him by his father, and it was used to kill many men. A sword also hung by his side, but he dare not take it out here.
He was sitting in the waiting room, outside the king’s palace. The king was in an important meeting; at least that is what the guard has told him. He knew what type of man this king was. One wrong word, and he may never see his wife and son again.
After a long, drawn-out, amount of time, the guard said, “The king is ready to see you now, Sir”, The man got up from the chair he was sitting on, and followed the guard. They walked through many corridors, and passed many rooms. After about 5 minutes of walking, the guard stopped outside a big door. The man looked out through the courtyard, to the outside hills, and saw that the sun was just setting. “I have been waiting for almost 3 hours”, he thought to himself, “I better get back home quickly”. The man took a deep breath, pushed open the big, wooden door, and he entered the room. The room inside was a breathtaking sight. The ceiling was made with intricate woodwork, while the walls had complex carvings and beautiful sculptures, which could’ve cost over millions of Kohrs. In addition, they had big flame torches, lighting the room with an eerie glow. The floor had a shiny layer of marble, the marble that can only be found deep within the Shoanic Mountains.
But that was just the beginning. Around the room, huge bookcases standing 10-15 feet tall had books and scrolls of great assortment: Books from the beginning of the kingdom, the acclaimed scholars throughout the land. He turned to his right, and saw a long, cherry-colored wooden table, that was almost 20 feet in length.
“It was made for me, by the best carpenters in all of Arazi.” Hearing the voice, the man’s hand went instinctively to his trouser’s pocket, and gripped the short blade. He turned around, and saw the king standing there, his eyes gleaming in the light of the fire.
The king was a, tall slender man. He looked around the age of 50, but it could've been more. Dark brown hair was neatly combed on top of his head. His eyes were slanted downwards, and they were green in color, giving him a mysterious look. His eyebrows slanted inwards, and the bags under his eyes showed that he was a very busy man. Hanging at his waist, was a long, broad sword. The metal work was extremely beautiful. The handle was inserted with numerous jewels and precious stones, and across the length it was written a saying in an ancient language. He was wearing a pair of expensive robes which were crimson red in color.
“So, why have you come here?” asked the king, "and why have you requested to see my alone?"
“Your majesty, we have an idea where it might be hidden”, said the man nervously, his hand still in his pocket.
“Where?” the king asked.
“Hidden in the Plains of Gremyi, far past the villages in the Vox, your majesty.”
The king remained silent, deep in thought.
“So close, so close”, he muttered to himself. The king turned around and started pacing the room absentmindedly. He seemed to forget that the man was standing right there; horror-struck, frightened about what might happen next. The king was one of the most infamous rulers ever to take the throne. After declaring himself as the lord of Arazi, he frightened most of the villagers by his past actions. It was said that he himself was the one who had brutally murdered the royal family 50 years ago, and burnt the kingdom’s capital down to ashes. Then, he named himself king, and destroyed anyone who came in his path.
At this point, the king walked toward a bookcase, and pulled out a really old book, one that was worn out and had half the pages falling out. He took it, and walked away. The man cautiously followed him, and saw him entering a small chamber, on the other side of the vast courtyard. The man followed him out of curiosity, but carefully. Through a hole in the castle, he saw the chamber, but now, it looked more like a place of worship. It had a low stone ceiling, with nothing but 4 cases, set in the middle of the room. The king bent over a case that was black in color. When the man looked more closely, he saw that the case was made with obsidian rock, which was so rare that you can’t find it anywhere now. The king murmured a few words, in a language and took out a smooth, jet black stone. He sat there for a while, murmuring to himself. He then put the rock back, and was on his way out.Can you rate this please? Its the beginning of my story.?
It's pretty rough to be honest.
Like the person above me said, you are trying; I can see that you established at least the very basic rules and locations/geography of the world in which the book takes place, and the story you've set up is intriguing, if not slightly cliched. (The evil king cliche is really more of a trope though, and, if written well, utilizing cliches isn't always a bad thing.)
It's very exposition-heavy for a prologue. You have the first couple chapters to explain such things, and the random bits of unnecessary exposition and info-dumping interrupt the otherwise tense situation. The writing would flow better if you developed a less awkward way to incorporate the exposition and other little details.
The major thing I found wrong with this is the grammar. It's rife with grammatical errors. If this is just a first draft, it's understandable, but you really should try to improve so that the draft would be better. I'd suggest learning up on punctuation, especially commas. You might also want to have one of your friends help you proofread in order to get better at spotting grammar mistakes.
Basically, it's an intriguing set up for a story and has some potential. The world seems nicely built and planned out, and you're adept at using imagery to create atmosphere. My advice: brush up on your grammar and space out the exposition so that the writing is less awkward and clunky.
Good luck with your story. =)Can you rate this please? Its the beginning of my story.?
It was REALLY good, although I did notice one thing:
You seemd to be trying to hard and I know books I read like 5 400-page books per monthCan you rate this please? Its the beginning of my story.?
Take out the 5 min walk and the 3 hour waiting but also dont use the same color name twice take out 1 jet black and on a scale of 1-10 ill give it a 7 and a half
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